For Now
by That Buggy Girl
Summary: [All finished!] At four in the morning, Shuu can't sleep, so he pesters Shin. This leads to a series of life altering events for both of them. [shonen ai]
1. Chapter 1

"Shin?…Shin, you awake?"

It wasn't the sound of his own name that woke him, but rather the fact that he knew he was no longer alone in the room. Aquamarine eyes blinked open, adjusting to the darkness, and still seeing nothing but the wall. What time was it? It was the middle of the night; this much was obvious, since the room was pitch black.

With a yawn, Shin rolled over. "I'm awake now…What's wrong, Shuu?" Trying to focus on his friend through the darkness was proving to be difficult; he much rather would have gone back to sleep.

"I couldn't sleep." Shuu's voice was a loud whisper, punctuated with a clap of thunder. Shin blinked, still trying to focus, and realized for the first time that it was pouring rain outside.

Couldn't sleep? Shin was politely annoyed. Shuu had woken him up at -he glanced at the flashing display of the digital alarm clock- four in the morning for this? There was always a chance that something was wrong, wherein he would be concerned, of course, but his half-asleep mind was fixed on the notion that it was the middle of the night and he'd rather be sleeping. "Is something wrong?" The question was followed by another yawn, and Shin rubbed his eyes, trying again to focus on Shuu's face.

"I…No, nothing is wrong, really…" Shuu mumbled, "This is gonna sound stupid but…Can I stay here tonight?"

Though Shuu probably couldn't see it through the dark, Shin's expression softened. It wasn't uncommon for any of them to feel lonely, even though they were so close. Shin supposed that was what war did to people, and, in any case, he could understand why his friend might not have wanted to be alone at the moment.

"Of course you can stay." He said softly, sliding his body over closer to the wall. He was feeling a little more alert now; the fog was beginning to lift from his mind. "Do you want to talk about anything?"

The bed shifted slightly under Shuu's weight as he climbed in next to Shin, who blushed a little as he slid closer to his friend. He was suddenly glad it was dark in the room, because he was certain his face must have been bright pink. Granted, Shuu probably wouldn't have noticed, and if he did, he probably wouldn't have questioned it, but Shin was relieved his friend couldn't see the blush.

"You ever get scared for no reason?" At the question, Shin shifted to study his friend's profile through the dark. It was an unusual question; Shuu didn't get scared. He was the fearless one, after all, but Shin supposed he was as human as the rest of them, and it made sense that he would be afraid once in a while.

"I was just laying there, and I couldn't sleep, and I got to thinking…And all of a sudden, I was afraid." The outline of Shuu's round face was visible through the night. His brows were knit, as if he was thinking hard, and a small frown tugged at the corners of his mouth. "You know, that kind of afraid where you think somethin' is wrong, but nothing is. Every one else is asleep…I checked on them before I came in here."

Shin studied him a moment longer, taking in the troubled expression on his face. His eyes, usually so brightly blue in the daytime, were dark in the night. Shuu seemed jumpy and nervous, and Shin wished he could help him. "I know what you mean." He murmured, wanting to put his friend at ease, "I feel afraid like that sometimes too."

"So what do you do about it, then?" Shuu queried, still making half an attempt to be quiet. He was watching Shin, watching as he tucked one arm under his chin, pillowing his head. His chestnut hair fell lightly across his forehead and into his eyes slightly and he brushed it back with his free hand, making a soft sound of annoyance.

"I guess…I just remind myself I'm not alone. No matter what bad things happen, I'll still have you guys." Shin smiled softly, "You're all there for me, so I don't have to be afraid." Outside, there was another rumble of thunder, followed by a brilliant flash of lightning which illuminated the room. Shuu's face looked unusually pale in the split second of light and Shin wondered if he was ill.

"Yeah." There was a pause, "Yeah, we're always here for you. So you don't have to worry about that." His expression was a crooked smile, the usual confident reassurance absent. Shin looked at him curiously, noting that those azure eyes seemed somewhere far away.

"Are you okay, Shuu?" He couldn't help asking; his concern far outweighed the possibility that he was just tired and making something out of nothing. The Shuu that he knew and cared for so much operated in two modes -eat and fight- and this was neither of them. This was scared-Shuu, and Shin wasn't quite sure he liked it.

"Yeah." Shuu tugged the blankets up around him, rolling on his side so he was facing Shin and no longer staring at the ceiling. "I guess I'm more tired than I thought." A sheepish grin crossed his face when he yawned widely. "Sorry about waking you up over nothing."

"It's okay." Shin stretched a gentle hand to brush back his bedmate's bangs, a fond smile on his face, "I know it's hard to think straight when you're tired…And you have a hard enough time thinking when you're awake." He teased, aqua eyes crinkling in a smile.

Shuu sulked. "No fair teasing when I'm too tired to fight back." He pouted at Shin, yawning and looking a bit like a sleepy puppy. Shin simply patted his arm comfortingly.

"Go to sleep." His tone was affectionate, voice still quiet. He watched fondly as Shuu made himself more comfortable, settling into the covers with a sigh, clumsy fingers curled around the fabric of a pillowcase. There were times when Shuu could be positively adorable, like now, when he was sleepy, and those were the best times, because no one really saw those things in the bumbling teenager. They were things which only made Shin like his friend more, and he smiled to himself as Shuu's eyes slid shut.

Though it was very late at night -or early in the morning, depending on how you looked at it- Shin suddenly found himself very much wide awake. As Shuu's breathing evened out, he caught himself staring at his friend, taking in dark hair, that little nose and sooty lashes fluttering lightly against round cheeks. Shuu was remarkably like a big child, from the simplicity with which he thought, to his easy emotions, to the way in which he viewed the world. Shin liked this about him; Shuu's innocent, though sometimes thoughtless or brutal, honesty was refreshing and his laid-back attitude and good nature made relaxing so much easier.

Besides that, he truly appreciated Shin's efforts in the kitchen, and said so often enough, giving exuberant thanks for every meal.

Smiling, Shin rolled over to face the wall again -his most comfortable position- and burrowed down deeper into the covers.

An hour and a half or so later, Shin woke for a second time, stiffening at the feel of a warm presence resting against him. He nearly panicked for a moment, then remembered Shuu waking him up earlier and relaxed, sagging back against the soft body of his friend. Shuu had an arm draped around his middle, his chest pressed against Shin's back. That wasn't all he could feel pressed against him, however, and he blushed furiously at the realization that Shuu must have been in the middle of a very nice dream.

He made to move away, but Shuu's arm tightened around him and a sleepy mumble that may have been "stay" escaped the younger boy's lips. Shin realized he really had no choice; he would have to stay where he was, no matter how awkward he felt. That decision had been made for him. Shuu shifted slightly, making his arousal more obvious, and Shin blushed deeper. The panicky feeling was returning, but for different reasons.

His mind was racing as Shuu snuggled closer, burying his face in Shin's neck and sighing softly. Shin had the wildest urge to laugh; this sort of thing only happened in his dreams. He had resigned himself long ago to the fact that he was attracted to his friend and that nothing would ever come of it, not with the way Shuu was always eying and awkwardly trying to talk to girls. It seemed ludicrously funny that, now, not only was Shuu in his bed, all cuddled up to him and aroused, but that he wouldn't remember any of it in the morning and it would have meant nothing to him anyway.

The desire to laugh gave way to an unbearable urge to cry, and before he realized it, Shin had tears trickling down his cheeks. He lifted a hand to wipe his eyes, brushing tears from his lashes and snuffling softly. The tears wouldn't stop; they just kept coming and coming and he wasn't even sure quite why he was crying. He buried his face in a pillow, miserable, and stiffened when Shuu pulled him closer again.

"S'okay." Shuu's voice was muzzy and muffled and Shin didn't think he was quite awake, but rather that he instinctively knew something was wrong. "Don' worry…'M here." His arm tightened again around Shin's slender body, protective, and Shin could feel as his expression changed, brows furrowing, because Shuu still had his face hidden in his neck.

Shin twisted around so he was facing Shuu, burrowing against him and burying his face in his companion's broad chest as he continued to cry. He clung desperately to Shuu's pajama top, the tears showing no signs of stopping, and only sobbed harder when Shuu's other arm came around him. The dark-haired boy didn't say anything further, just held him until Shin stopped crying and the only sounds emanating from his body were pathetic little whimpers as he mourned for something he couldn't even identify.

Shin wanted to pull away from the embrace, to curl up in the corner and sob his eyes out. He couldn't handle the closeness, but he couldn't bring himself to pull away either, there may never be another chance for the two of them to be so near one another. If this was his only chance to be in Shuu's arms, he didn't want to waste it. The thought that this might be it only made him want to cry more; it wasn't fair; it just wasn't fair!

"Don't cry, Shin." Shuu was a little more awake now, and slightly puzzled to realize his best friend was sobbing in his arms and he wasn't sure why. The gears were turning slowly in his head and, as he put two and two together, he wondered if the hysterics had anything to do with their earlier conversation. "And don't be lonely." He found himself stroking wispy brown hair in a clumsy attempt to comfort Shin, "You always have me."

For a moment, time seemed to stop as Shin pulled his face away from Shuu's chest and looked up at him through the dim early morning light. Shuu looked back at him, taking in his red, tear-strained face and wondering what in hell that had all been about. Shin just sighed, hiccupping once. "Always?"

A grin crossed the other boy's face. "You better believe always. With the way you cook, you're stuck with me forever." Shuu's grin became triumphant at Shin's soft laugh. He was relieved to see his friend happier, though this was far from the usual happy of Shin, and still a bit confused over what had set the brown-haired boy off crying in the first place, but this was better than nothing.

"I think I can live with that." Shin snuggled closer, happier, and smiled when Shuu hugged him again. It wasn't quite what he wanted of his friend, but it would have to do, for now.


	2. Chapter 2

Shuu was thinking.

Most people took for granted that he could be thoughtful when he wanted to, and that his mind was as capable of intense thought as any one else's. Of course, it often took Shuu longer to work out the finer details of the serious things he thought about -these being things other than when his next fight would occur and what he wanted for dinner- but he was more than able to engage in profound mental activity.

Two days later, that sad, hopeless expression Shin had worn at five-thirty in the morning still haunted him.

He didn't know why it bothered him so much; he had seen Shin upset and emotional many times. But the memory of that look made his heart hurt; even when he was sad, Shin wasn't supposed to look like that. Besides, Shin just wasn't supposed to be sad. He was supposed to be happy, go swimming and cook. Maybe that was why it bothered Shuu so much that such a look had ever clouded his friend's face. He hated to see Shin unhappy.

It was raining again. Shuu was bored, and that wasn't helping to get the unsettling image of Shin's pathetic, sad expression out of his mind. He couldn't take over the television, because Touma was engrossed in some noisy, blowing-things-up video game. He couldn't go in the kitchen to get a snack, because Shin was puttering in there and he could be scary sometimes when some one disrupted his cooking. Ryo and Seiji wouldn't be much in the way of entertainment; Ryo was always shy when Shuu tried to be overly-friendly (it wasn't his fault he was so outgoing) and Seiji was undoubtedly engaged in a meditation session that involved far too much silence and sitting still to be enjoyable. Even Nasuti and Jun would be an acceptable distraction, but they were out running errands.

Bored; bored; bored. Shuu fidgeted restlessly. He hated having nothing to do; he was a man of action. Watching Touma play a one-player game was hardly pleasurable and besides, it seemed like his old friend was in some kind of coma anyway. He was staring at the glowing screen, eyes glazed, mouth hanging open, fingers taping incessantly. Shuu almost thought he saw him drooling at one point.

The couch was comfortable, but Shuu's butt was starting to hurt from sitting in one place for so long. He had been shuffling through a copy of Zero Sum that Shin had thoughtfully picked up for him while on one of his grocery shopping expeditions, but even that had failed to hold his interest for long.

Sighing, he slumped further on the couch, half-hoping Touma might notice and maybe tear himself away from the game. Not that Touma was much of a conversationalist, but anything would be better than this, even some dry, boring discussion about astro-something-or-other or the principles of aero-something.

Touma didn't even flinch at the sound and Shuu was fairly certain had had slipped into some vegetative state.

Tossing the magazine on the coffee table, Shuu rose and stretched. He was still thinking about that sad-Shin expression and he couldn't think with all the explode-y noises and the occasional whoop of glee from Touma as distractions. It was hard enough to keep his mind on task normally, and all the little electronic sounds weren't helping.

Although…

His mind seemed to be doing a pretty good job of staying on topic on it's own that day. Every time his thoughts started to meander off into some strange direction, they would always settle back on that night in Shin's bed, when it was storming and both of them were lonely. Something had been wrong and that something had been wrong enough to set Shin off crying so much that he woke Shuu from a dead sleep, something which did not happen often.

As he shuffled down the hall to find a quieter, less distracting place to muse over the situation, Shuu passed the kitchen and paused, silently watching Shin for a moment. The older boy was back and forth between the stove and the counter, seemingly stirring something -which smelled good- and chopping something at the same time. Shuu loved watching his friend cook, but more often than not, he was ordered out of the kitchen after one too many queries of "is it done yet?" He'd learned that it was wise to just not be in there at the same time as his talented friend, because it was all too easy to forget to be quiet and that little obnoxious question would just slip from his mouth.

Something was still off with Shin, Shuu noticed. He wasn't as animated as usual, or as bouncy. Even though he was usually a flurry of activity in the kitchen and stressed himself out, any one could tell how much he enjoyed cooking, simply because he was flitting around, not just rushing. But today…He just looked contemplative and maybe a little sad, staring down at the knife in his hand as he cut up an onion.

Shuu didn't like it. Shin was supposed to be happy when he was in the kitchen, after all.

He kept up his silent study from the doorway. Shin had either failed to realize he was there, or was purposely ignoring him, which meant Shuu could look as long as he liked. It was bothering him that he couldn't figure out what was wrong with Shin -he hadn't been normal since that crying episode- and he thought maybe he could solve the mystery if he was actually observing his friend.

There was something about being around Shin that Shuu found enjoyable. He was just a welcoming person and reminded Shuu a bit of his own mother, always ready and willing to listen, or offering some sort of snack to cheer a person up when they were down. Shin could be chatty at times, especially when he was excited, but more often than not, he was a kind of quiet presence which nicely filled in the gaps in Shuu's own loud rambling.

Shuu liked the way that Shin would listen to him and not make him feel dumb, most of the time. Shuu never felt stupid when he was around his quiet friend, just a little awkward at times, but never as much of an idiot as Seiji or Touma made him feel. Touma was just way too smart, and Seiji always thought before he spoke, often leaving Shuu with only "Yeah, well shut up" as his last words in any argument with the blond. Shin didn't make him feel that way; Shin was patient with him when he couldn't quite figure out how to explain something and let him go on and on about things that were important to him without telling him he was being too loud when he got a little too enthused over his topic. No, Shin would just gently rest a hand on his arm, signaling that he needed to tone it down a little, instead of embarrassing him in front of every one else.

Shin was also a good friend, the person who took care of them all. Coming from a big, close-knit family, Shuu could appreciate that. He knew Ryo blushed over Shin's fussing and Touma always snapped at him that he "didn't need a mother; he already had one," but Shuu found it comforting, sort of like he was still at home and his family was around, which made him happy. The other guys were all family, but Shin was the most like family, because they had gotten so close so fast, and it felt like they had known each other forever.

Shin moved towards the sink to throw something down the garbage disposal and Shuu's blue gaze followed him. He always felt a bit clumsy when he was around the brown-haired boy, but it wasn't Shin's fault that he was graceful and Shuu was not. He liked watching Shin move, because Shin was at ease when he did almost anything, and made it all look so effortless. Even though he was slightly taller, he never seemed quite as gangly as Shuu felt, never tripped over his own feet, and never dropped things that just didn't want to stay in his fingers. He was graceful; he was delicate; he was some one Shuu would protect with his life, even though he knew Shin could very well protect himself.

Shuu was certain that, if Shin were a girl, he wouldn't hesitate to ask him out.

That thought had crept into his mind more than once, leaving him feeling rather squirmy every time. This was his best friend he was thinking about, and it was wrong to be thinking "if he was a girl, I'd…" He hated himself for it, mostly because it was weird and creepy to think that about any one, but also because Shin _wasn't_ a girl.

And Shuu definitely wasn't gay.

"Do you need something?"

Shin was peering at him curiously and Shuu blushed when he realized he'd been caught staring. Okay, so Shin hadn't been purposely ignoring him, just entirely engrossed in what he was doing. "Um…" Shuu fumbled for something to say, "No…I was just…" Just what? Just staring at you and thinking that you would make a good girlfriend, even though you're not a girl. He couldn't come up with a decent explanation for why he was hovering in the doorway. Shin tipped his head to the side, looking adorably confused, and Shuu could feel the blush deepen.

"What do you need?" Shin smiled that kind, patient smile that only made Shuu's stomach squirm more, "If you want to come in and get a snack, you may."

That was a good excuse. A very good excuse. Shuu nodded dumbly, padding into the kitchen and making a beeline for the fridge. "Smells good." He mumbled, rooting around for leftover take-out that he hoped Touma hadn't already finished.

"It won't be ready for a couple hours still." Shin was watching fondly as Shuu rummaged for something to eat, knowing damn well that a little (or big) snack would never spoil the younger boy's appetite. Shuu was a bottomless pit and he was always hungry, no matter how much he ate.

"Don't worry; I'll be hungry again by then." Shuu made a triumphant sound when he found what he wanted and rose, whacking his head on the roof of the fridge in the process. He gave Shin a goofy, sheepish grin, rubbing the back of his head gingerly.

"I know." Shin's laugh was easy, light and airy like a burbling stream. It suited him so well. The smile that followed the laugh came easy too, and Shuu was a little relieved. This was the Shin he was used to; the one who was happy and teased him gently, never meaning to hurt any feelings or cause upset.

"I better get outta here." Shuu found himself a pair of chopsticks and turned back towards the door, "It's dangerous to be in _your_ kitchen while you're cooking." Shin blushed, laughing again, and threw a potholder at him.

"I'm not as bad as all that!" He called after the retreating figure.

Shuu was grinning as he headed back to the living room. Mission successful; Shin looked happier and was laughing. Maybe he'd finally be able to chase that sad-Shin image from his mind and not have to spend so much time thinking.

Touma was still in his video game trance when Shuu plopped back on the couch, shoveling cold noodles into his mouth. Rain was still streaking down the windows and there was the occasional ominous rumble of thunder, but that didn't dampen Shuu's good mood. The world was as it was supposed to be now; Shin was happy again.

Only now…

Now an image of happy, laughing Shin was stuck in his mind. Shin's turquoise eyes, shimmering with good humor and other soft emotions. The way his bangs fell lightly over his forehead, sweeping to one side when he cocked his head curiously in that split second before he got the joke. The way his mouth curved upwards when he smiled or laughed and his eyes would crinkle shut slightly. The way he always -always- blushed when he was exceedingly happy about something. His skin was still its natural pale tone; it wasn't yet warm enough for him to have tanned at all and the blush stood out more because of that.

Shuu didn't often find reasons to use the word "cute," but in that moment, he decided that if anything or any one was cute, it was Shin.

As soon as that thought crossed his mind, Shuu knew he was in trouble.


	3. Chapter 3

"How do you know if you're gay?"

The car Touma had been driving veered off the road, crashing into a wall in a pixilated explosion. The question had been enough to bring him back to the land of the living and he swiveled to look at Shuu in surprise, the day's choice game -a racing game- forgotten. Shuu was by far the last person Touma ever would have expected to ask such a question.

Shuu, on the other hand, was counting on Touma to have all the answers. He'd come to the conclusion long ago that the archer was gay. Touma had never asked a girl out, talked to a girl, or so much as even gave a girl a second glance in all the time Shuu had known him. Besides, he saw the way Touma looked at Seiji. Shuu was far more observant than every one gave him credit for and there wasn't a single doubt in his mind that not only was Touma gay, he had a thing for Seiji as well. That was fine for him…Shuu just hoped this meant Touma could give him some answers.

With a cursory glance back at the screen -and a squawk at the sight of the totaled car- Touma set aside the game controller and turned around fully to face his companion. He hugged his legs, chin resting on his knees, a thoughtful expression crossing his face. Shuu was hovering around the couch, as if he was too antsy to sit down, but wanted to. Touma ignored that, wriggling his bare toes in the plush carpet as he turned the situation over in his mind.

"A good indication is if you're attracted more to other guys than girls." Though he was rather curious, Touma's slightly-bored expression never wavered and his tone remained neutral. He'd known he was gay for as long as he could remember, was probably the best person Shuu could have come to for a question like this and had a feeling that this conversation could get interesting.

Shuu mulled that over for a moment. Touma watched him, noting how his wide eyes glazed over and a small, confused frown crossed his face. He was thinking and thinking hard and Touma knew he was about to ask another question.

"What if it's, um, just one guy? You know, that you like…" Shuu had finally sat down on the couch, but he was perched on the edge of the cushion as if he would jump to his feet at any second. One foot was tapping nervously on the floor and he was gnawing on either a fingernail or a hangnail as he waited for an answer.

Touma grinned. Forget "could;" the conversation had most definitely just taken a _very_ interesting turn. "Who are we talking about here, Shuu?"

"Nuh-uh." Shuu shook his head. Touma's grin was making him nervous and he suddenly regretted asking for his help, but he really didn't have much of a choice if he ever wanted to figure this all out. "You don't need to know that."

"Come on…How am I supposed to help if I don't know what's going on?" It had to be one of them, and Touma was dying to know who. Seiji was hot, Ryo was adorable. And Shin was just, well, _Shin_. Horribly domestic and annoyingly thoughtful. The perfect wife. Touma would bet money that it was Shin that Shuu was crushing on; Shuu had the most normal, close-knit family and Shin was all about making them into a family, so he must have been a comforting presence. And it just made sense…They were close. Spent a lot of time together. Trained together as well.

Besides…Touma had a striking suspicion that Shin was gay as well. He didn't have much in the line of facts to back this up; it was more of a feeling, really. Shin was soft, kind, polite…Motherly. Really domestic. He wore a frickin' apron when he was cooking. No straight guy did that. No straight guy did a lot of the things Shin did.

"No way…Not telling." Shuu's head swung back and forth again, beefy arms folding across his broad chest stubbornly. Touma was good at keeping secrets, but he would occasionally blurt things out when his over-active mind could no longer contain them and Shuu didn't particularly want this getting around.

"Shuu…Seriously. I can't help you unless I know who. The situation might be different, depending on the person." This would take some careful manipulation on Touma's part. Shuu was pretty stubborn and if he said he wasn't going to tell, he wasn't going to tell. An admirable trait, but not in this situation. Getting him to spill it would be like pulling teeth.

"No." Shuu scowled, "That's none of your business."

"Oh, come on!" Touma put on an all-too-innocent expression, "You can tell me…It's not like I'll _tell_ Ryo you have a thing for him."

"I don't!"

It was very hard for Touma not to laugh at the absolutely horrified expression on Shuu's face. He looked like he was ready to fall off the couch, eyes wide. Oh, this was fun! No wonder Seiji was always nagging at him to interact more with every one.

Without missing a beat, Touma plowed on. "Okay, so it's Seiji then. I can understand that…He _is_ attractive. But man, you're going to have to start being less of a slob if you-"

"Shut up!" Shuu stared at him, aghast. "I don't like Ryo or Seiji like that!" The hangnail he'd been gnawing on was bleeding now, but he ignored that in favor of glaring at his friend.

"Well," Touma shrugged casually, "Then I must say I _am_ flattered, but you're not really my type at all…"

"That's not funny, you jerk!" Shuu's face was an interesting shade of red, though Touma wasn't sure if it was from anger or embarrassment, and his hands were clenched into fists.

"That just leaves Shin, then…" Bingo! Touma watched as the blush on Shuu's face deepened and his arms folded across his chest again. He looked away, staring at an invisible and nonexistent spot on the carpet and Touma couldn't help feeling a little bad for him.

"I don't know what to do." Shuu's voice was tight, controlled, as if he was trying to keep it steady. Touma wondered if he had taken the teasing a bit too far. If Shuu would cry. He'd seen Ryo cry enough to know what the beginnings of tears sounded like in a person's voice.

Touma unfurled from his spot on the floor, shuffling over to the couch and plopping next to Shuu, hesitantly resting a hand on Shuu's shoulder in an inept attempt at comfort. Touma wished Shin was there. He was too socially awkward to be very good at this sort of thing and Shin would know better what to do.

"What am I supposed to do?" Shuu flinched slightly under the touch and Touma moved his hand away. "I'm not gay…I like girls."

"Shin is not a girl."

"I know that!" Shuu's hands balled into fists again and he finally looked at Touma. He looked upset. And a bit scared. "I know that, Touma. That's why this is a problem!"

"But you like him." Touma wasn't teasing any more, just trying his best to be helpful.

With that, Shuu seemed to deflate. He sagged back, sinking into the couch cushions and looking horribly lost and confused. "Yeah…Or I wouldn't be in this mess." He ran a hand through his hair, causing his thick bangs to stick up.

"You should talk to him." Was Touma's helpful suggestion.

Shuu paled significantly. "I can't do that!" Talking to Shin about this was the last thing he wanted to do, because it seemed so ridiculous. Besides, what was he supposed to say? _I'm not gay and you're not a girl, but I really, really like you…_

"I think he'd be pretty understanding and I don't think he'd hold it against you." Touma said slowly, "And besides, there's always that chance he might feel the same way."

This caused another blush to blossom across Shuu's chubby face. He wasn't quite sure if that would make the whole situation better or worse. "And what if he doesn't? Or what if he does and I'm just being stupid…I don't want to hurt him. And what if everything works out and…" He buried his face in his hands, frustrated. This was too much to think about. Entirely too much. "I'm not gay!"

Touma watched him for a moment. To say this was surprising was a bit of an understatement. For one thing, he never in a million years would have expected Shuu to be in crisis over having a crush on a guy. Shuu was probably the most heterosexual person he knew and this whole admission sort of threw him for a loop. Besides that, Shuu was constantly pursuing any girl he found remotely interesting. Of course, he was turned down more often than not, but that had never stopped him before. Touma pursed his lips. This must have been serious, if Shuu was so afraid of it.

Shuu was peering through his fingers at the carpet, studying it as if it were the most interesting thing in the world. He needed to focus on something boring, or he wouldn't be able to think without getting distracted. And this required all of his brain power; he couldn't afford to make any mistakes here.

Why did he like girls? Well, they were pretty. So was Shin, in his own Shin-way. Kind of like a girl…Only without boobs. Prettier, sometimes, especially when he was happy. He was a good cook, too. A good listener. And a quiet, constant, reassuring presence in Shuu's life. He wasn't quite sure he really wanted to mess with what they already had, in case it all went horribly wrong. Shin was a wonderful friend, and Shuu didn't want to lose him, especially not if he discovered there was no way he could ever actually be with another boy.

It was a double-edged sword, really. He didn't want to try anything with Shin, for fear of it not working. But he didn't want to spend the rest of his life wondering because he was afraid to try. Shin didn't deserve to be used for experimenting, or to be hurt. He was better than all of that, and only deserved to be loved and treated well.

Shuu's brows knit at the thought of any one else loving and taking care of Shin. Shin deserved that, but Shuu didn't like the idea of any one else being the one to make him happy. He wanted that all for himself; wanted to be the one to cause those dazzling, blushing smiles. It was selfish, and he knew that, but he didn't want any one to take Shin away.

The more he thought about it, the more Shuu disliked the thought that Shin might leave them to be with some one else. Might leave _him_ to be with some one else. The thought was a painful one. Just thinking about it made Shuu feel slightly empty inside.

That cinched it. He wasn't going to let Shin get away so easily; not if it was going to make him so miserable.

Of course, there was still the issue of the fact that they were both men. He'd have to sort that out…Maybe he was gay. Maybe he wasn't. Maybe it was just Shin…He could live with that. He could live with that indeed. But he still wanted to be sure. He needed some sort of test…

Touma was watching him, thoughtful. He had one leg tucked beneath him, an elbow rested on his knee. His hand was tucked beneath his chin, brows drawn together and making his eyes look a darker blue. He looked so serious. Shuu looked at him for a moment. Not at all like Shin, who was light and cheery and almost always positive about everything. But he _was_ a boy and he _was _Shuu's friend, and who better to help him out?

"Hey Touma…" Swallowing his pride and tempering his nerves, Shuu plunged right in, "What's it like to, you know, kiss another guy?"


	4. Chapter 4

**Note: It would be helpful to me if people who are reading this would kindly leave me critique, both good and bad. I'm fiarly new to the series, and want to make sure I'm IC and accurate. I have been beta-ed by PockySquirrel, but I want to be sure everything is in order. Thanks! **

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_The kiss became frantic, desperate. It seemed like his hands were everywhere all at once; touching, teasing. Shuu was too dazed to protest or complain. This was nice. This was pale, pale limbs everywhere -not Shin's- ocean eyes -an ocean of stars and moonlight- bright with lust -not Shin's- soft body -not Shin- willing -not Shin- warm -not Shin!- beneath clumsy hands. A voice too deep. A mouth too talented. Awkward, but first times usually are. Satisfactory, but hollow._

Shuu woke with a start.

It happened every night, and sometimes during the day as well. The memory came, unbidden. Unwanted. He hated thinking about it and still wasn't even sure how it had all happened. How had it gone from an innocent, experimental kiss to…? Shuu dragged a hand across his face, knowing it would be another sleepless night. Where the hell had Touma learned to do that anyway?

It had proved he could do it, but that didn't make it any less embarrassing. Shuu couldn't look at Touma -who was sleeping peacefully, dammit!- without blushing and getting all flustered. He still wasn't sure how it had happened; it all happened so fast. One minute, it had been nothing more than a kiss, the next, Touma had been all over him, the horny bastard. Some best friend he was. No, that wasn't fair…It wasn't Touma's fault; not entirely.

But…What the hell had Touma been thinking!

Not to mention the fact that Shuu was feeling incredibly guilty over the whole thing. What he'd done with Touma was bad enough -you just don't do things like that with your friends! But he couldn't help feeling a bit like he had cheated on Shin, which was odd, since they weren't even a couple. And the lying…He would be lying about this for the rest of his life, because no one could ever know…Especially not Shin. And lying simply wasn't Shuu's style.

It seemed like this whole mess had gone from bad to worse.

Shuu rolled over, attempting to go back to sleep, hoping he wouldn't have that dream again. It was almost too quiet, except for Touma's soft snores continuing through the darkness from the other side of the room. He longed to shuffle down the hall to the room Shin and Seiji shared; to burrow into that bed in an ocean of calm and jersey sheets and down pillows. Just like he had on the night this all began. But even that seemed wrong now; how could he possibly deserve to curl up safe and warm with Shin after what he had done and what he couldn't say?

It was a long time before sleep claimed him again.

Shin couldn't help noticing during breakfast how tired his friend looked. Shuu's gaze was bleary and unfocused and his hair stuck up in various places as if he hadn't bothered to comb it. He was still wearing his pajamas and couldn't stop yawning widely, not even bothering to cover his mouth with each yawn, which Shin found rather rude. He didn't reprimand his seemingly-exhausted friend however, simply set a plate of pancakes in front of him.

"Thanks." Shuu mumbled, not bothering to look up. He was finding it hard to look any one in the eye these last couple days, for fear of blurting out what had been going on. Especially Shin. That soft aqua gaze had a way of drawing the truth out from any one, especially Shuu, who couldn't help himself from drowning in those eyes and wanting to give up any secret if it meant he would be planted on solid ground again. Shin was dangerous, if only because he was sincere and caring in everything he did.

Shuu was eating slowly, almost picking at his breakfast. This was the second sign that something wasn't right with him. Shin frowned softly. He had thought that Shuu might be ill the night they'd wound up curled up in his bed together and that nagging suspicion was back. Something was off with the younger man; he hadn't been at all himself the past nine days.

It bothered Shin, not knowing what was wrong. He liked helping people, thrived off it. And he couldn't help if he didn't know the problem. He would do anything for his friends, after all, and especially Shuu, who he was closest with. It hurt to think Shuu was keeping something from him; he thought they trusted each other.

Shin was elbow-deep in soapy water, carefully sponging the dishes, when he realized Touma was hovering uncertainly in the doorway. He studied the archer for a moment, taking in pale skin, gangly limbs, blue eyes a shade too serious and the thin, neutral line of Touma's mouth. "Detached" was the word Shin often thought of when considering Touma; detached and surreal. He wasn't part of anybody else's world, only his own, and this was why Shin felt the pressing need to make sure Touma's laundry was done and he didn't get too far lost in that Touma-world.

They had never been particularly close; Touma hated Shin's constant fussing over him. Shin couldn't help it though. It was just his nature to take care of people. And Touma needed to be looked after or he'd wind up forgetting to sleep or eating a candy bar for breakfast or something equally detrimental to his health and well-being.

Touma was studying Shin in much the same manner. Shin was such a soft person -soft hair, soft eyes, soft clothes, soft words, soft heart. Touma didn't understand how he had lasted so long wearing his heart on his sleeve. How he had made it so far while letting the world see him exactly as he was. It didn't make sense that no one had ever hurt him or taken advantage of him or any of the things that often happened to soft, innocent people.

"What's wrong?" Shin cocked his head in that curious nature that only he displayed. He had this way of looking like a kitten when he did that; eyes wide and innocent, lips parted slightly. Touma sometimes expected an inquisitive mew to slip out when that look crossed Shin's face.

Touma's brows knit together and the line of his mouth curved downwards into a small frown. "I'm worried about Shuu." Worried, and a bit guilty. Part of Shuu's current upset was his fault, after all. Worried also that if Shin ever found out, he would be disgusted with him for taking advantage of his friend; that he wouldn't want to be with Shuu, knowing what they had done. Worried that Shin -one of his only true friends in the world- wouldn't want to be friends with him any more.

"Me too." Shin sighed softly, drying his hands on a dish towel and turning fully to face Touma.

Blue eyes blinked. Touma could easily see the hurt in Shin's expression; the slight betrayal at the thought that Shuu was keeping something from him. They told each other everything; Shuu was the only member of the team Shin had come out to at that point, he trusted him that much.

"You…don't know what's wrong?" Touma's voice had a slight hitch to it, as if he was afraid Shin would say he did know. He shifted uncomfortably, watching as Shin turned back towards the sink.

"He won't tell me." Shin's expression fell further, "He's trying to pretend nothing is wrong and I wish he would tell me, because I know he would feel better." He reached in and pulled the plug, allowing the sink to drain in a whirlpool of dirty water and foamy bubbles. Shin stared at it as if his very dreams were swirling down the drain as well.

Touma was silent, just watching again. He had told Shuu several times he should just get it over with and tell Shin how he felt, but Shuu was being stubborn. Either that or he was scared of the outcome. Touma almost wanted to laugh over it; he'd never seen Shuu scared speechless over anything. This was hardly a laughing matter, however, if the almost-devastated look on Shin's face was any indication.

"You know what's going on, don't you?" Shin continued, a slightly suspicious frown crossing his face. He felt his chest tighten at the thought that Shuu might trust Touma more and immediately chastised himself. It made sense, of course; Shuu had known Touma for a long time. That didn't make it hurt any less, but he couldn't blame Shuu.

"You should talk to him." Touma didn't bother answering the question, just gave that bit of advice and padded back out of the room. He didn't think he could be in the same room with Shin and that wounded look much longer without blurting out everything.

Alone again, Shin sank down into a chair at the kitchen table, propping his chin up on his hands. Touma hadn't been that much help…_Talk to him_. Of course he would love to talk to Shuu, but it didn't seem Shuu wanted his advice or help. What could possibly be so wrong that Shuu was afraid to tell him, anyway?

And how did Touma figure into all of this? He knew something and wouldn't tell, either. Shin didn't like secrets, not between his friends and not when some one was hurting. He knew there were many more opportunities for Shuu and Touma to talk; they shared a room, after all. Who knew what they talked about in that horribly disgusting mess of a room? That didn't make it any easier, though. There wasn't a single thing Shin had kept from Shuu since they'd become fast friends and he was wounded at the thought Shuu might be hiding something important from him. Or worse yet, that Shuu didn't trust him anywhere near as much as he thought.

_Maybe this has something to do with you._ The thought crept slowly into his head, gathering steam with each passing second. That would explain why no one wanted to tell him what was going on. That would explain why Shuu couldn't seem to look him in the eye and why Touma was so fidgety; why Touma had found it necessary to tell Shin -as if he needed telling- that he should be talking to Shuu. It would explain a helluva lot of things.

But what could be the problem? Shin tried to think of things he might have done or said that could have possibly upset Shuu. There wasn't much he could come up with. Shuu was straightforward and easy to please. Not much upset him, except maybe the thought that dinner might be late and a failure to uphold justice. He spoke his mind easily and didn't have much of a filter between his brain and his mouth. If something small was bothering him, he would have just come out and said it already.

Shin was fairly certain this was not a small thing.

For one horrifying moment, the thought crossed his mind that maybe Shuu wasn't as comfortable with the knowledge that Shin was gay as he had said he was. Shin panicked over this thought for a moment, staring down at the table, slender fingers wound through his hair. He almost started to cry, then remembered that this behavior had begun less than two weeks ago and he'd come out to Shuu long before then. That couldn't have been it, then.

Wiping away any hint of tears, Shin rose from the table. There was only one way to settle this and though he was a bit scared to find out what the truth might be, he didn't like there being anything unresolved and heavy hanging between him and Shuu. Touma was right; he had to talk to Shuu, even if he had to coerce the answers out of him. Things just couldn't go on like this any more, with the upset and the wondering and the fact that it looked like Shuu wasn't getting any sleep at all.

Giving the kitchen one last perfunctory glance to make sure everything was in order, Shin padded off in search of his friend.


	5. Chapter 5

At ten o'clock in the morning, the room was hardly dark enough for sleep, but that wasn't going to stop Shuu from trying. Though there was finally a lapse in the rain and he longed to go outside in the sunshine -he couldn't deal with being cooped up for so long- he was too tired to take full advantage of the nice weather. Instead, he was curled up in bed with the blinds shut and the lights off.

Touma was downstairs somewhere, probably in another video game coma, which left Shuu alone in the room. How he was so unaffected by all of this was a mystery to Shuu, who had no clue how to stop the intense guilt he felt every second he was awake and the dream-like memories that assaulted him when he was asleep.

It wasn't fair. Touma should have been just as guilty. Just as restless.

Just as miserable as Shuu felt.

He was curled on his side, staring blankly at the wall. The mound of blankets did nothing to provide any warmth; he felt cold and empty. Hollow. Like he'd lost a part of himself. Maybe he had…Who knew how this would all end? He could lose his best friend over this; lose the person he cared most about. If Shin ever found out…He couldn't bear the thought of losing Shin because he'd done something stupid that he regretted.

Shuu wanted to sleep, but he knew if he shut his eyes, that image of Touma beneath him would be all he could see. Touma's pale face flushed and sweaty. Touma's mouth gaped open in a wide "O," a wordless cry spilling out, his midnight eyes squeezed shut, head tossed back. He didn't want to see that again; he had seen it too much the past few days.

If only he could get lost in the oblivion of dreamless sleep. He hadn't slept more than a few hours a night for three days and it was beginning to take its toll. He was exhausted, on edge, and practically drowning in guilt.

To make matters worse, he desperately wanted Shin. Shin could help him; he could listen and understand and offer advice. Shin excelled in handling situations like this. Except…Shin was the center of all of this drama and Shuu was still terrified of what would happen if he confessed his feelings.

He clenched his fingers around the comforter, tucking it under his chin and shifting in a failed attempt to get more comfortable. This sucked. He buried his face in a pillow. It sucked big time.

And he really had no one to blame but himself.

He lifted his head slightly at the gentle knock on the door, which was followed Shin's disembodied voice asking if he could come in, please.

"It's unlocked." Shuu dropped his head back on to the pillow. He had no idea what he would say to Shin, if anything, but he knew that Shin's presence would at least be comforting. Unless…Unless Touma had told him everything. He felt his heart go plunging into his stomach. Shin didn't sound angry, but then…he rarely did. He pulled the blanket up over his head.

There was a soft click as the door opened and shut again and the gentle sound of Shin's footsteps as he picked his way carefully through the room, a soft sound of disgust slipping out -probably over the empty milk carton or the week-old takeout containers on the floor. The bed dipped slightly with Shin's weight when he sat on the edge of it, but Shuu didn't move, just remained hidden beneath the covers.

"Would you like to tell me what's going on now?" Shin was staring at the cocoon of covers that contained his friend, hands folded in his lap. He knew it was unlikely Shuu would actually tell him anything. He hadn't at all in the past week; why would he now?

Shin's voice sounded so hurt, Shuu couldn't help peering out between the blankets at him. The brown-haired boy offered a gentle, hopeful smile in return. "Come out of there…" Those turquoise eyes were soft and sad, already beginning to draw him in. The oceans of Shin's eyes were always beckoning; always tempting. As if they were saying to him "Give it to me…I will wash it all away and still love you…"

Shuu peered out a bit further, parting the blankets and looking up at Shin's face. So sad…That expression didn't belong on his face. Only smiles should have graced those delicate features. Shuu could feel his chest tightening again; he wanted nothing more than the see a smile cross his friend's face again.

One of Shin's hands darted out, nimble fingers stroking soothingly through Shuu's hair. "I know something is bothering you…" He murmured, "I wish you would tell me what it is." Shuu looked so tired; so frail. He was usually so strong, but at that moment he looked like he could crumble into a million tiny pieces. Shin knew that -no matter how tough- every one was breakable; a sand castle could only last so long before the tide tore it to pieces.

Shuu stared up at him, eyes wide. His mouth was slightly open and he wanted to speak, but his throat was sandpaper-dry. The words he couldn't seem to say were tumbling through his mind, trying to make their way out and failing, remaining stationary somewhere between his brain and his mouth.

"Even if it has something to do with me…" Shin continued, pausing mid-sentence to bite his lip, "I'd like to know." His fingers were still petting -it seemed they'd continued of their own accord- but they wandered down to stroke Shuu's cheek, caressing. He felt his face heat up at the boldness of his own action, but couldn't bring himself to draw his hand away. Shuu needed him.

Shuu's eyes went even wider at the intimacy of the touch. Touma's voice -"And besides, there's always that chance he might feel the same way"- flitted through his mind. His heart was pounding; maybe Shin did…That was almost too impossible to believe. "I…" The word sounded strangled to his own ears, but Shin smiled encouragingly; one of those little smiles that made Shuu's stomach squirm. Staring up at that smile, he could feel himself sinking further into the depths of Shin's eyes, drowning now, and the filter between his mind and his mouth was malfunctioning. Words were about to come out with no way of stopping them.

"I think I'm in love with you!"

For a moment, time seemed to stop. Shin's eyes went impossibly wide, his mouth falling open. He stared down at Shuu, stunned, unsure whether to squeal with excitement or start convincing himself the blurted out confession was solely a product of Shuu's sleep deprivation. His heart had thrilled at the word "love," but now it was sinking. There was no possible way Shuu could have meant that. He wasn't gay, after all. "You're teasing me." He turned away, wounded, arms wrapping around himself.

"No!" Too late to go back now; it was time to press on. Shuu sat up, heart still pounding, fingers nervously twisting in the blankets. "I wouldn't tease about something like that." Shin had to understand…Shuu would never do anything to hurt him. Not on purpose, at least.

"You like girls." Shin's voice was tight and slightly accusing. He still couldn't help himself from hoping. He wanted to believe that his own feelings were returned, but he was forcing himself not to get too excited, for fear of this being some sort of dream or, worse yet, a nightmare.

"I like you." Shuu reached a hand towards him, then drew it back, unsure if Shin would appreciate the contact.

"I'm not a girl!" Shin turned to face him, eyes pooling with tears, "You _can't_ love me…I'm not a girl…" He was going to cry in a moment; his chest felt tight and it was hard to get the words out.

"No, you're not…" Shuu said slowly, "But you're _you_ and that's better than a girl." This was going to take some explaining. He hoped he could make everything make sense. It still didn't even all make sense to him, so how was he supposed to make Shin understand it? He took a deep breath. "You're just…It's the way you do nice things for every one. You take care of us all, and look out for us, and I know you would do anything for any of us. You're a good listener. A good cook. A good friend." He paused, glancing up at Shin again and, for the first time in his life, feeling shy, "It's just things about you…The way you don't make me feel stupid. The way you smile when you're happy…"

Shin's eyes were growing wider and wider as Shuu continued, still shimmering like he was about to cry. No one had ever said such nice things about him; no one outside of his family, and they didn't count. Was this really how Shuu saw him, as this wonderful, considerate, warm person? He could feel himself falling more in love with each word and it was making him want to cry more, even if for a totally different reason.

"It…It was the way you looked when I made you stop crying the other night." Here Shuu blushed, ducking his head, "That look on your face and knowing I made you happy…I want to be the only one who does that. I want to be the one to take care of you and make sure you don't cry and…stuff." He looked up again, grinning sheepishly, "And that wasn't very romantic at all, was it?"

Shuu suddenly found himself with an armful of seemingly-hysterical Shin as the other boy dove forwards in a hug, burying his face in Shuu's shoulder. He was sobbing and laughing at the same time, slim body shaking and Shuu didn't know what to do other than put his arms around him and hold him close. "It was perfect," Shin sighed, arms tightening.

"You think so?" Shuu was a bit bewildered at that point, but relieved that Shin seemed okay with it all. Once he'd got going, that really hadn't been all that bad. Everything that had been swimming around in his mind just came tumbling out, and it felt good now, especially since Shin was clinging to him, burrowed close. He suddenly realized he was petting Shin's hair and that the older boy didn't seem to mind.

"If it had been any other way, it wouldn't have been you." To Shin, this made perfect sense. Shuu was so straightforward and spoke his mind so easily. Those must have been all the things he'd been brooding on recently, or they wouldn't have been the things he'd said. He snuggled closer, resting his head on Shuu's shoulder and smiling shyly. "I love you too, by the way."

Shuu grinned in triumph, loving the soft blush that spread across Shin's face. "I kinda figured that out when you tackled me." All of a sudden, the whole world seemed so much better. The guilt was still there, but this beautiful, elated feeling was much stronger. Everything was just perfect now. Brighter. Happier. It was all okay again.

Shin laughed that soft, musical laugh that made Shuu want to melt. He couldn't seem to stop grinning as he looked down at Shin, who was still curled against his chest. Shin smiled back up at him, still shy and blushing. He was so cute…Shuu found himself lost in those eyes again -they were bright now, the ocean at sunrise- and he leaned in, shy, nervous and slightly scared…

And kissed him.

It was awkward and a bit messy, not at all like a theatrical first kiss. Shin didn't mind.

It was perfect, for now.


End file.
